Poo Platter - Serving up lifes plate of shit.

As I sit and type this be prepared that I may have to stop immediately at any point during this due to the fact that I may throw up or have an explosive diarrhea episode in a pair of pants that I have not fit into in 3 years. We'll get to this later.

I question myself not as a father but as an adult. Or grown up as I prefer. There are not too many things I do or like that allow me to refer to myself as grown up nor are there many things that I would want to do to make me able. Today I get the kids to play in the living room, wait I should say I got them into the living room where they found the laundry that I had just folded to put away and they decided to rip it all apart and bury each other. This is when I decided to take advantage of them being occupied with creating a new disaster to clean up their other disasters. Yes this goes on everyday all day.

So...
Where to start?
I need some music. Of course you should never clean without music. At least I can't due to the pure anger and frustration cleaning can bring me (ocd), I would have no alternative but to start drinking the cleaners. So I find something I have not listened to in months one of the greatest bands in history. Ladies and gentlemen I present to you the.....

STYX.

What could be better I ask you? I obviously start it off with Renegade. As the song starts I quickly start picking up the toys behind me and then the song takes that turn. I jump up and start some kind of deranged tribal dance or something. Surely it looks like I am having a seizure but who the hell cares their only neighbors. I pick up the garbage on the floor as I am convulsing my way to the kitchen. One of the things I pick up is a plastic Gap shopping bag. Now what else do you do with a bag while listening to one of the greatest songs ever?

Of course.

You put it over your head and keep acting like a spaz. Now I did catch myself about fifteen to thirty seconds into it so I gotta give myself that. But shit. This is something I have yelled at the kids for. The day continues with the usual poo and urine saturated misadventures until I start to make dinner. I find a 9 volt battery.

Oh yes what fun.
I grab the battery and instanly put it to my tongue. Ohhh the tingle. Whoopeee. That was not nearly as fulfilling as I had hoped so I do it again. I really don't remember it tasting this funny before.
Hmmmm.... well lets do it again.
And again.
This tastes weird.
And again.

OK now it just tastes horrible. As I go to call Masen into the room to tell him to try it "but never do it unless daddy is around" I look at it. The entire top of the battery was covered with fresh battery acid. Hence the danger of the assplosion or lap of vomit.

And I am back. I had to go grab a drink. Oh and on the way back into the room the lights were off so I failed to see the land mine (bottle of lotion) that the kids planted for me. Of course I stepped on it and of course it exploded. Now I feel as if I attempted to masturbate with my feet.

Not sure how I came to that just if you ever have me over hide the Jergens.
Kidding.
Or am I ?

Anyway where was I?

Oh the battery acid. Yes here I am 4 hours later and I still feel as if I may shit myself all while acid crawl up the back of my throat. But I'm alive.

So what the hell is it that makes me do things that I will not let my kids do? Who knows. With my wife being out of the picture there is no one to stop or at least question me from time to time. That for me and others that know me find the scariest part about me being separated.

Well I think I will go make myself something to eat and burn myself for the third time on the toaster from hell. Someone should tell the asshole that designed the thing the opening is way to small to fit your hand in there.

I know what your thinking I am the asshole sticking my hand in there.

But I offer you this tidbit of wisdom.
Your hand is safer than that metal butter knife I used one time to unlodge the bagel all while it was still plugged in. That will wake you up in the morning.

Fire up a good time and forget the coffee throw some metal in the toaster.